


it's getting cold (and I just don't care)

by emilia_kaisa



Series: you're the reason why [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Feels, Friendship/Love, Internal Monologue, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22104172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Yuzuru looks at all these people gathered in front of him, and he wants to tell them the truth.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: you're the reason why [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591051
Comments: 15
Kudos: 58





	it's getting cold (and I just don't care)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I had a really angsty evening?  
> Title(s) from 'Soulfight' by The Revivalists.

So you want to hear about Javi, yes? Then we can stay here for a long time, much longer than you and I have, and much longer than anyone is willing to listen. People ask me about him, sometimes, not nearly as much as he got asked about me during all these years, but I like it, to talk about him. And the question is, what do you want to hear? Do you want polite, proper words about how much it meant, how much it means to me still, training together, side by side, for so long? Do you want to hear how hard it was, sometimes, but how I learned to be happy when he won, proving himself better, or maybe do you want to hear once again how I missed him, after his retirement? How I still miss him?

It’s all valid, all these things above. But I wonder what would you say if I told you more, if I told you everything, without sugar- coating and without hiding. I wonder what would you say then, and how would you look at me, at us, at everything he managed to accomplish. 

Would you wince with distaste?

Would you smile and say ‘I thought so’?

I don’t give a damn about what you think, not anymore. It took me a long time, and here I am, and I don’t care, at all. And the only bad thing about is- it’s too late now. But it’s okay, you know? 

I was always glad that I never really showed you my true self. I always thought that I needed this, because I was pouring so much on the ice that I needed to keep my heart and my soul to myself, to protect it from the world, from the cold, from all of you. It’s not an accusation, don’t worry. It’s just nice, to be able to have something that it’s only my own. There were moments when my composure slipped, of course, but I’m only human, you know? Even though some of you seem to forget that from time to time.

And Javi could never do that, hide himself. He was always out there, all of him, you just had to look and you could tell, you could feel, that honest warmth radiating from him, visible in his every move. Is it even possible, to look at him and not to love him?

Ah, that you would love to hear about, wouldn’t you? It’s not your business, but we’re being honest with each other here, so I will tell you. 

I love him in a way that you will never be able to understand. And how to explain it to you, who didn’t go through years of sharing the same pain, the same goal, side by side, day by day? We screamed at each other and we laughed, and our tears mixed with sweat and blood, bonding us in more ways that you can imagine. 

Well, I’m sorry for dismissing your imagination, or whatever you went through by yourself that could make you think that you get it- but you don’t. You have no idea. 

There were moments I hated him, there were moments he hated me, and there were moments when I was sure I had made a mistake, back then in 2012. Can you imagine that feeling, being on the edge of breaking, your body so weak you feel as if your bones are about to fall apart, and looking at the man that made you who you are, and just wanting to scream? 

Of course, some of you think they can. It’s fine, I used to be like that too, but I grew out of this. Time and loneliness can do wonders to someone’s mind, and character.

So, where were we? Ah, yes. Love.

I love him, and he loves me, and we never told each other. Why should we? We always knew.

Ha, I can see confusion on your faces. 

You really think I would drag him into this? Even now you look at me as if I was some curious creature, an adorable monkey in a too big suit that you want to pet and protect and know everything about. I could never hide from this, and I know I will be never able to run away, to get rid of the thousand of eyes on me. And he… he just wants calm, and warmth, and he wants to eat dinner with his parents every Sunday. He wants to teach kids and not have herds of people on his back, and believe me, I made his life complicated enough. 

And is there a better way to show someone you love them than giving them happiness, even if it means staying far away?

Oh, don’t worry, I mean only physical distance. We stay in touch, you just don’t have to know, because-

“Yuzuru?”

He blinked, and looked at the moderator, her smile a bit nervous but still professional, and Yuzuru had to stop himself from wincing. 

He was tired. 

“I spoke many times how I value the time we spent together, and I think my gratitude only grows, each competition proving me how much I learned from him. And of course I wish him all the best on his new path in life.”

Cameras clicked aggressively, a buzz carrying in the air as dozen journalists raised their hands, eager to ask, to know more, more, never enough, and Yuzuru suppressed a sigh, biting his tongue so hard he felt blood. 

Next to him, Nate discreetly pushed a water bottle in his direction, eyes searching and careful.

Yuzuru grabbed it, taking a sip and wishing for all of it to be over. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, don't hesitate to tell me what you think!


End file.
